Get me a new calendar; this one's broken.

Somewhere in the back of my mind I had this idea that my handful of readers might wonder what would bring me out of my off-season slumber. Not curiosity on the level of  "Did Trump collude with the Russians?" but maybe somewhere between "Did I leave the the iron on?" and "Whatever happened to Pauly Shore?". 

And then, all mystery was lost and you knew the following rant was barreling down the Ethernet cable like a white Bronco careening down the 405.

I was all set to rave about the wonder that is Madison Bumgarner. Bumgarner became the Giants' all-time leader in home runs for a pitcher AND became the first hurler to go deep twice on opening day in Major League history. And all that was shot to hell thanks the problem continues to plague the Giants.

At least on Opening Day, the bullpen still sucks. It seems as though 2016 never ended.

Arizona's 6-5 walk-off win was a cruel joke to Giants fans who just a few short months ago saw their season end in similar fashion. The bullpen was a glaring weakness through last season and the early returns on 2017 don't show much improvement, despite General Manager Bobby Evans's assurances that the pen would be just fine.

Bobby also does a great job selling lakefront property with Erik Estrada, and an extended stint peddling reverse mortgages is probably on the horizon.  

This is what a ballplayer looks like. (via Twitter)

Bumgarner left Sunday's game in Arizona after seven innings holding a 4-3 edge. And then the bullpen, just as it did last year, came tumbling down like a poorly designed Jenga tower built on a Play-doh foundation sitting on top of a bed of uncooked jazmine rice spilled beach side as the tide rolled in.

Early on that seemed this was going to be a dream start to the season. Bumgarner was magnificent through five, retiring the first 16 hitters he faced before a three-batter hiccup in the sixth allowed Arizona to knot the score. The Giants had built a 3-0 lead on a second-inning sacrifice fly by Joe Panik, Bumgarner's fifth-inning solo rocket, and an RBI base hit in the six by Eduardo Nunez. Then it all started to come apart like a wet paper towel blasted with bird shot.

Bumgarner finally proved mortal, allowing a grounder inside the bag third for Arizona's first hit and base runner of the game. The situation was made worse when so-called defensive replacement Gorkys Hernandez played the ball in the corner with a fork and a boxing glove, turning a single into a three-bagger and putting Bumgarner in the stretch for the first time. Two batters and two hits later the lead was gone as AJ Pollack went deep to lock the contest at 3-3.

Yep, he's pretty good. (NBCBASN via Twitter)

Again the chance to praise Bumgarner presented itself as his second homer of the day, a towering blast down the left field line, put the Giants back in front 4-3. It was his last significant act of the game as he departed in the eighth for newly-minted set-up man Derek Law -- who actually set up the Diamondback quite well.

Law faced three hitters, retiring none, and Arizona caught the Giants. Ty Blach and Hunter Strickland got out of the jam but the game went to the final frame deadlocked 4-4.  Then is was Arizona's turn to falter as Panik's lead-off triple and a Connor Gillaspie fly ball put San Francisco back in front.

It was a moment we'd waited for; a legitimate closer coming in to lock down a game. Mark Melancon, the one significant pick-up for the offseason, strode to the hill nary a Santiago Casilla in sight. Melacon was shaky but got the first two men out on a whiff and Panik's diving nab of a ground ball.

We were ready to head for dinner. This was how it was supposed to be. Jeff Mathis singled to center, sort of. The ball was in the gap and Hernandez slid, kicking the ball like he was Landon Donovan in the process before Denard Span chased it down. Melancon, he of $60 million contract, was human. He'd get the next guy, right?

Daniel Descalso singled to center. Tie game. So much for the next guy, dammit! Pollack singled to center, sending Descalso to third. This kind of stuff couldn't happen again, could it? Uh, yes. Chris Owings dumped a single to right and this one was in the loss column. Expletives and unsecured object flew through my home like an F-5 swirling through a trailer park. Surely you had your own.

The only thing missing was a number 46 on the closer's back. Otherwise you could have convinced me it was still September.

The Giants did semi-well offensively, banging out 11 hits, but they'll lament not cashing in more. They had D-backs ace Zack Greinke on the ropes early and managed to get him out of the contest after five frames with some disciplined at-bats. It was all for naught. How disturbing was this outcome? We're this deep into the post and that the first mention of Greinke, who I enjoy seeing beaten almost as much as I enjoy Marvel movies.

The most glaring missed opportunity game in the ninth. After retaking the lead the Giants failed to add on despite sending both Buster Posey and Brandon Crawford to the plate with the bases loaded. We got loaded after.

Bumgarner should be used to this. Despite his 11-strikeout performance he walks away with a no-decision because the bullpen stumbled. Gee, where have we seen that before. MadBum allowed just two of the Diamondbacks' 13 hits, which should give those with any understanding of basic math the general sense of how bad the bullpen really was.

The Giants get a chance to ponder their folly on Monday with action resuming the following day at Chase Field with Johnny Cueto squaring off against Patrick Corbin in search of the Giants' first win of 2017.

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